Los Angeles
2004: 93-69 (.574) Division Winner
Paul DePodesta took over the Dodgers’ front office last year and promptly scared the hell out of every ignorant fan and sportswriter on the West Coast. After trading away the club’s heart and soul and a decent closer, the Dodgers could only manage to win their first Division Title in eight years.
After another busy offseason, the team returns 14 members of last year’s playoff team. Chances are Brad Penny performs better than expected; Jeff Kent plays worse, and Milton Bradley posts monthly OBPs of 890, 560, 980, 456, 350 and 1200.
Prediction: 81-81
San Francisco
2004: 91-71 (.562)
In an effort to distract reporters from Barry Bonds's alleged steroid use, the Giant fans will continue to engage the enemy on the team's behalf.
Prediction: 81-81
San Diego
2004: 87-75 (.537)
The fat guy isn’t pitching there anymore, “The Steal” is manning center field and the wrong Sweeney is slated as a third stringer at four different positions. On the bright side, Daryl “Long Ball” May will watch PetCo Park trim his home run rate in half.
Prediction: 81-81
Colorado
2004: 68-94 (.420)
Fifteen starting pitchers will see their careers ended with stints a mile high, while Desi Relaford will set career highs in home runs, RBIs and put outs from left field. Sadly, none of those personal records will be considered remarkable by history.
Prediction: 81-81
Arizona
2004: 51-111 (.315)
The Diamondbacks made a lot of improvements for the 2005 ballclub by adding offensive contributors like Troy Glaus, Shawn Green and Tony Clark. They also gave Randy Johnson to the Yankees for Javier Vasquez’s 4.94 ERA and a pack of gum.
Stupid, stupid Snakes.
Prediction: 81-81
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